Personal Demons
by sleepingdreams
Summary: Another take on how Ziva spills her secret about Ari's death. I can't seem to get this story idea out of my head.


Tony observed his partner from across the bullpen. There was something different about her today and he couldn't put his finger on it. She was quieter, more reserve- not her usual taunting, tormenting confident self. But there was something more. She idly played with a knife, occasionally tapping it to the desk. Ziva caught the knife in her palm, the blade slicing through the skin. She hissed but the sound was enough to draw attention from McGee. Tony had already been watching with rapt attention, but he didn't dare make a move to coddle her or bandage her wound. With a string of Hebrew, she left the bullpen with a quick "excuse me." Once in the bathroom, she examined the slice in her hand. It wasn't deep enough to need stitches but a proper bandage was required to keep it safe from infection. _Damnit_ she thought. _I am going to have to explain to either Ducky or Abby in order to get hydrogen peroxide._ As she contemplated whom to turn to for the necessary accoutrements, Abby strolled into the bathroom.

"Hey Ziva." Abby said in her usually chipper attitude. She walked past Ziva and into a stall, only to throw the door wide open and rush to Ziva rapidly saying, "What happened to you? Are you okay?" _I guess that made my decision easier_. Ziva thought as she tried to formulate a response that would end the conversation before her Goth friend could see the demons that lay behind her eyes.

"Careless accident. I was playing with my knife and caught it the wrong way. I am fine. You have hydrogen peroxide in your lab, yes?"

"Careless accident? Ziva, come on. You don't have careless accidents. You are a trained kick ass ninja. What's going on?"

"Nothing, Abby. It was just an accident. I am going down to your lab to get the hydrogen peroxide."  
"Okay, I guess I'll come too. Oh wait. I have to pee!" She said as she ran back in the direction of the stalls. "Dumb caf pows," she mumbled under her breath.

Ziva finished her bandage and headed back to her desk to grab her gear. She was calling it a day and she knew Gibbs would understand. He knew what today was. He was actually surprised when she walked into the office that morning. She just hoped she could get out without an interrogation by Tony or Abby. Luckily, Tony and McGee weren't at their desks and Gibbs had vanished, so she quickly grabbed her stuff and all but ran to the elevator. She let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding when she was safely behind the cold, steel doors of the elevator.

She calmly drove home, abiding the speed limits and laws, staying in one lane. Driving was therapeutic for her. It always had been a form of relaxation. She didn't want to rush it, so she took her time. Walking into her apartment, she locked her door, another thing she rarely did. Deciding on a warm bath, she ran the bath water and stripped of her clothing, lowering herself slowly in the calm, heated water.

(Back at the office)

Tony was frustrated by the lack of his partner. "I don't understand. She just disappeared. What did she say McTranslate?"

"You're right, Tony. I have been able to speak Hebrew for years, and I have never told you. I don't know what she said. Obviously something she didn't want us to hear. If you are so worried, go check on her."

"I would McObvious IF I KNEW WHERE SHE WAS." Tony bellowed at McGee.

"Home." Gibbs spoke as he rounded the corner into the bullpen.

"What? Boss, she was just here."

"Personal day."

"She was here today."

"Personal evening, then."

"Why?" Tony questioned, determined to get an answer.

"Personal mean anything to you Dinozzo?" Gibbs replied with a quick slap to the back of Tony's head.

"Thanks Boss. I'll just get a dictionary then." Tony replied looking downtrodden. McGee just smirked. He was worried about Ziva, but he knew she could take care of herself.

"I guess I'll go see Abby." Tony told no one specifically.

"Abs, did you see Ziva before she left?"

"She left? Is she okay? Did you talk to her," Abby questioned in rapid succession.

"She left. I don't know. No, that's why I'm asking you."

"Oh, well I ran into her in the bathroom. She had a pretty deep slice in her hand. Something's wrong. Her face is doing the Mossad thing but her eyes tell a different story."

Tony held up a finger silencing Abby as he flipped open his phone.

"Dinozzo. But Boss? Umm… Uhh… Yes Boss. Be right up." He grimaced as he shut the phone. "Dead marine, some place, some where. I have to go solve a case. Can you take care of Ziva?"

"Because she'll talk to me." Abby muttered softly as she nodded her consent.

30 minutes later, Abby was knocking on Ziva's apartment door, half hoping the woman to be home and half hoping the woman to be away. The door was unlocked as usual so Abby carefully walked inside the apartment as not to startle the Israeli. Ziva was standing in the middle of her living room having pushed all her furniture to the side. She was going through the motions of her martial arts training. Her body was covered in sweat and she looked to be shaking as she roundhouse-kicked her imaginary attackers. She gripped her fists in an attempt to stop the involuntary shaking of her limbs while fiercely punching the air. Abby, knowing better than to disrupt the other woman, leaned against the doorframe watching the fluid movements of her friend.

Ziva's movements finally slowed and she stood panting clenching and unclenching her fists, obviously battling her emotions. "Ziva?" Abby questioned cautiously, still not wanting to be at the receiving end of a fatal kick-punch sequence. "Ziva, sit down. I'll get some tea." Abby tried again, taking slow steps to her friend's side. When Ziva didn't flinch away from Abby's touch, she was led to the couch and commenced staring at the ground.

"Ziva, please talk to me. I just want to help. I don't mean to push but you look like you could use a friend. And I think I am one. Please Ziva." Abby rambled, breaking the silence, as she handed Ziva a cup of tea.

"I killed Ari." Ziva whispered almost silently.

"Ari Ari? The guy who was after Gibbs and killed Kate?"  
"Yes."

"But the report said Gibbs shot him."

"I was Ari's control officer and I was his sister. I killed him in cold blood. Had I been given another option I would have taken it, but he was going to shoot Gibbs and it was all I could think to do. I wanted to believe he was innocent because he was my big brother, my protector. I was wrong and I did what I had to do." Ziva spoke with as little emotion as possible, but Abby could tell she was trying to keep her emotions in check.

"Ziva, why did Gibbs put in the report that he shot Ari?"  
"I am still Mossad. My father would have me killed because I killed Ari. It was for my safety. I did not want to lie to you all, but I had no choice. Every year on this day, Gibbs requires me to take a personal day. Today, I did not. I could not be at home alone with my thoughts." Ziva could not believe she had admitted all of this aloud. She had always been taught that human emotion was useless though she accepted it in others as human nature. She felt ashamed, weak, and vulnerable. She felt her face flush as she turned away from Abby expecting the other girl to abruptly leave. When Abby's arms wrapped around her torso encircling her in a hug, Ziva was stunned. "Why did you not leave? I am just like my brother, yes?"

"No, of course not Ziva. You are nothing like Ari. You are kind and sweet and you are my best friend; that's why I didn't leave. I don't care what you did. You shouldn't have to keep this a secret from your family. And by family I mean us, Gibbs, Tony, McGee, Duckie, and me of course. We love and trust you. We aren't going anywhere."

"Toda, Abby." She whispered hugging the Goth with sincerity. "I think I will go take a shower. Make yourself at home. We shall have a girl's night, yes?"  
"Sure. I'll order pizza and pick a movie." Abby excitedly cheered. Ziva simply smiled and got into the shower, reveling in the heated water pounding into her aching muscles. As the water beat down on her body, she thought about her team, her family. She had to tell them. If she could tell Abby, she could tell Duckie and McGee. It was Tony she was worried about it. She hoped he would react the same way as Abby. She did not want to lose the one man she had ever fallen in love with. She knew he would be upset that she lied to him, but she hoped he would understand. As she wrapped a towel around her body, she decided to talk to Abby about it, thinking the other woman might have some insight as to how to inform her partner of the actual happenings in Gibbs' basement.


End file.
